I was a frantic Obama supporter from 2008-2010, and as his polls show; he hasn’t delivered as we hoped he would. I don’t think he’s evil, a Muslim, a terrorist, or a new Hitler, and I’m certainly not in with the crowd that believes he is a socialist, communist, Marxist, or what-have-you. That’s non-sense. He’s a democrat, through and through. That comes with all the strengths and faults that democrats have. They’re generally good thinkers, they put people before businesses and they care about human rights, the constitution and preservation of the environment. This ability to think before making obscene gestures or rash decisions comes at the risk of being a spineless, pacifistic weakling. Obama has been molded to fit the corporate willpower. When he ran, I felt that, concerning removing the corporate influence from Washington politics, ‘if he can’t do it, no one can.’ And now that he has proven that he can’t, I realize that I was right. No one can.
But that’s just the thing: No one can. One man is easily shattered and turned into a hopeless promise-breaker, a dusty shell of his former, bright-eyed self. One man can be corrupted. It’s time that we put this formula to rest and try something radically different. We need to shake Washington down to its foundation, then dig up all the Indian bones beneath the foundation, grind them into a powder and smoke them for the resin.
A change we can scarcely comprehend. Before we know it, all will be different. We will behold a new utopia of prosperity and benevolence. One stipulation, however: This change has to be radical. It has to be completely unheard of. I believe that I hold the key to this change. Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Winslow Dumaine, and I’m going to be running for President of the United States. Not for any old, tired party, though. A new, re-energized one. The elephant and the donkey are history. I’m running with the Swarm of Rats.
You see, the swarm of rats represents a lot of things; community, integrity, and efficiency come immediately to mind. An elephant or donkey might stumble and trip over the snags and snares of this new, evolving political world, but the swarm of rats traverses these obstacles with a scurrying ease. I’m going to follow their path and evade the politics-as-usual, I’m going to overcome the deeply-rooted corporate influence and overwhelm Washington with a kind of frantic, squeaking territorialism that hasn’t been seen since eighteen-thirty-eight, when the Whitehouse was captured by ornery vagrants and other homeless folk.
But who am I, anyway? What does the Swarm of Rats represent?
First things first, I am not using the Swarm of Rats purely as a symbol or some sloganeering effort. I’m using the rats as a very literal tool to determine what the body politic of these United States is feeling! In my administration, the Senate, Congress and the Supreme Court would all be erased and forgotten. Old, broken ways of the past have served us for as long as they can. In my administration, a swarm of rats ten million strong would guide us through our trials. Looking to pass a law? Pose the question to our team of analysts and they ask the rats using a kind of rat-speak. The behavior of the critters will be the decision.
Therein lies the second of a list of great changes I will bring about to Washington. I’m not just going to be your president, but I will be the chief analyst of the swarm as well. The rats will represent us, the people of this great nation. While I may disagree from time to time with the reaction of the swarm, I will not let my personal convictions keep this nation from progress. I am not running to be a king, but to be a president, a humble arbiter of the halls of power, whose ultimate purpose is in service to the people. In a sense, I don’t want you to simply elect me to lead you, but to hire me to lead you. Your friend in progress.
We cannot blindly fly into this new territory, though, and no one knows this more than me. I’ve spent years of my life watching the swarm, learning their ways and gaining their trust. It began with letting them pick the leftovers from my teeth, then lead to allowing them to congregate in my bodypockets for warmth during freezing October rainstorms. Who are the rats? What kind of politic can I expect from them? I’ve assembled a brief list of major issues and their accompanying answers.
Abortion: The rats come in swarms by the millions. Sometimes they eat their young. It is clear that these creatures believe in a woman’s right to choose, but also believe in the values of family. They’re good with children.
Budget and the Economy: The rats come from a very grass-roots foundation, they believe in rolling up their tiny sleeves and getting to work. In just a few weeks, they can infest and destroy a barn, toppling the structure by incrementally removing the integrity of the beams with their incessant gnawing. The rats believe that the road to economic recovery starts in the homeland, where we move more production jobs back to the United States.
Crime: Rats overwhelm and destroy any interlopers. They abide by a strict honor code that does not allow for pussyfooters. The rats are in favor of more hard-and-fast laws in dealing with repeat offenders.
Education: Rats don’t need to be educated, but they believe in the genius of the group. They believe that schools need to be fitted to the growing number of students, and that they should begin receiving the funding they need to properly educate our children.
Healthcare Reform: The rats have a fresh and dynamic approach to healthcare, one that is sure to cause some commotion at the conventions. They have a unique hardballing approach to reform; the rats are frothing over, packed with diseases and pathogens, ready to infest and infect the masses if they don’t pass massive healthcare reform bills. The rats are holding the United States hostage, but for our own good!
The Wars in the Middle East: The rats feast upon death, but are more comfortable at home. Why should they have to go all the way over to Iraq and Afghanistan to enjoy the spoils of war? The rats believe in bringing what is left of the troops home now, so that they may expire of natural causes.
That should cover the basics of this announcement. I will answer any questions you may have, and I’m eager to get to know my ever-expanding constituency. What can I do for you, America? What can the rats do for you?
Signed,
Winslow Dumaine
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